Forgotten, that is what I felt like. Everyone I knew (okay a mere exaggeration, just every woman :)) was pregnant with their first or fourth child and I just thought at first, "well, I guess we will just keep trying. It will happen eventually....right?" It had to. I began to feel like it was my right to get pregnant. I prayed....at first, then I began to plead. Once the pleading wasn't getting me anywhere, I began blaming myself. What a terrible road to go down because it so difficult to exit off. I began thinking of every awful thing I had ever done and started to believe I had to be being punished. But then, I would remember that He does not punish us for past sins (Romans 3:25). What a mess my heart was in. With women all around me getting pregnant and having babies, I honestly at times felt I was in a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. I stopped being able to attend baby showers and I am ashamed to say that it was even hard for me to hear that women I loved were pregnant. I would say my all time low was when Justin's cousin and his wife announced they were going to have twins. We found out through Facebook. This is a cousin that Justin has been pretty close with all his life, so finding out through a social media outlet was painful. It is not a hard conclusion to come to as to why they were not biting at the bit to call us with their exciting news......ME! I will not deny the fact that everyone felt they had to walk on eggshells around me regarding the ultra-sensitive baby topic! My biggest regret is allowing the sadness, resentment, bitterness and anger over my situation to rob me and more importantly, my husband of sharing the happiness of our family. I allowed that so many times and I cannot get those moments back. Now, I know I am human and I was going through some difficult stuff, but bitterness is a joy stealer and I fell into its trap. So, to everyone I may have hurt in the process, I am very sorry. I said this would be a healing process.
I am not forgotten, God is with me everyday and has been every step of the way. I am not going to lie, there were days I really I could relate to where Job was coming from. Don't get me wrong, I had a long way to reach Job's status but I could understand some of his emotions. I not sure I will ever understand why I was chosen to go through this pain, but part of having peace with all of this is understanding that God's mold for me is so unique from the mold of anyone else that comparing them only brings me heartache and bitterness. And bitterness........That's not my name.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalms 34:18
I thought it would be FUNNY to throw this picture in of me posing, not praying, with a "fertility god" while in Mexico. For those of you who know me well, know I am sarcaistic in a good way and love humor :) I could not get through this with out laughter.
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