The Detriment of Bitterness

Forgotten, that is what I felt like. Everyone I knew (okay a mere exaggeration, just every woman :)) was pregnant with their first or fourth child and I just thought at first, "well, I guess we will just keep trying. It will happen eventually....right?" It had to. I began to feel like it was my right to get pregnant. I prayed....at first, then I began to plead. Once the pleading wasn't getting me anywhere, I began blaming myself. What a terrible road to go down because it so difficult to exit off. I began thinking of every awful thing I had ever done and started to believe I had to be being punished. But then, I would remember that He does not punish us for past sins (Romans 3:25). What a mess my heart was in. With women all around me getting pregnant and having babies, I honestly at times felt I was in a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. I stopped being able to attend baby showers and I am ashamed to say that it was even hard for me to hear that women I loved were pregnant. I would say my all time low was when Justin's cousin and his wife announced they were going to have twins. We found out through Facebook. This is a cousin that Justin has been pretty close with all his life, so finding out through a social media outlet was painful. It is not a hard conclusion to come to as to why they were not biting at the bit to call us with their exciting news......ME! I will not deny the fact that everyone felt they had to walk on eggshells around me regarding the ultra-sensitive baby topic! My biggest regret is allowing the sadness, resentment, bitterness and anger over my situation to rob me and more importantly, my husband of sharing the happiness of our family. I allowed that so many times and I cannot get those moments back. Now, I know I am human and I was going through some difficult stuff, but bitterness is a joy stealer and I fell into its trap. So, to everyone I may have hurt in the process, I am very sorry. I said this would be a healing process.

I am not forgotten, God is with me everyday and has been every step of the way. I am not going to lie, there were days I really I could relate to where Job was coming from. Don't get me wrong, I had a long way to reach Job's status but I could understand some of his emotions. I not sure I will ever understand why I was chosen to go through this pain, but part of having peace with all of this is understanding that God's mold for me is so unique from the mold of anyone else that comparing them only brings me heartache and bitterness. And bitterness........That's not my name.

 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalms 34:18

                         

                                                                         

I thought it would be FUNNY to throw this picture in of me posing, not praying, with a "fertility god" while in Mexico.  For those of you who know me well, know I am sarcaistic in a good way and love humor :) I could not get through this with out laughter.

Inaugural Post

It's funny, growing up I never really gave much thought to having children. Getting married, yes, thought about it all the time. What he would lookI like, what his name would be, would I have a cool last name? But, kids were something that I knew were in the equation but didn't fantasize over. Now, I wonder should I have been? Maybe if I dreamed about kids as much as I dreamed about a husband......well, I have an amazing husband. See little girls do not grow up hearing that maybe some day it may be difficult or maybe impossible to have children. All little girls are told is the dream that they will grow up, get married and have a big family. And what I mean by "told" is not only by family and friends but also by society (media in general). Society is great at screaming at us what we should be when we grow up. So, I for sure thought I would get married and have no problems when it came time to have my 2.5 children (still not sure what the .5 is). But what I quickly found out is That's Not My Name! God's will for my life is to not have biological children. I have many names, Wife, Friend, Sister, Daughter, but the only name in the midst all the pain and lies of the enemy that matter is Child of God.

Last October, I had a hysterectomy at the age of 34 after battling with severe Endometriosis and fibroids.  The pain was debilitating and my quality of life was an all time low.  The doctors told Justin and I that chances of conceiving were about 0% and that was with fertility drugs and IUIs.  We were not on-board with in-vitro.  For us, taking out a loan to maybe have a baby was not a choice.  I had already had two Laparoscopic surgeries to remove the Endometriosis previously and within very short amounts of time, the Endometriosis grew back.  Justin and I felt that the hysterectomy was the only option to allow me to regain my life back.  We both felt God strongly in our decision, however I won't lie and say that there weren't times I thought "Am I crazy......34 in menopause!".  A topic for another post :0  But, God is good and delivered me through the surgery with peace. 

This is the start of my story.  I hope you all will continue along the journey.  Justin and I feel that too many couples go through this type of journey alone and that is unfortunate.  I tend to be a private person and would like to open up and lean on my friends and perhaps even be able to help someone else.  Please pray for me as choose the words to describe my story and the courage to share.  Also pray for those who may read this as they may be going through something they may not be ready to share with others just yet.

Much Love,

Tracy